This was sent to me by one time Romonkey colleague Cat Murphy, made me laugh out loud, so here are the highlights:
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.